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We kick off the new year’s Blog Carnival** with that
perennial favorite seasonal topic: New Year’s Resolutions.
Resolute: marked by
firm determination
Yes, it’s that time of year again when the national sport
turns to vocalizing all the things that we don’t like about ourselves and
making proclamations that, by God, this time we are ABSOLUTELY going to change!
This is distinctly different than the rest of the year when
everyone we are surrounded by tells us what they don’t like about us, and we
resolutely tell them to go fuck themselves.
Statistics show that about 50% of us love to engage in this
fantasy football of self-improvement. Those same statistics reveal that about
8% of us actually make good on our threats to change. The rest of us have
apparently told ourselves to go fuck ourselves.
Oddly, for such a fiercely individualistic bunch that humans
are, our personal resolutions are suspiciously similar. Not wanting to fall out
of line with the individualistic herd, we have conformed our own resolutions
this year to be uniquely identical with the norm.
Forthwith, here are the top 8 new year’s resolutions that
you, we and everyone else on this planet makes, but doesn’t keep. We, however, are resolute and have adjusted
the resolutions to guarantee success!
1. Spend More Time with Family &
Friends
We have spent the last 30 years actively
avoiding our relatives. Considering that they are not likely to change their
behaviors regardless of any resolutions on their part, we’re sticking with the
odds and staying in stealth mode.
Friends? Well…when they exclaim with amazement “when do you find time to
make all this wonderful stuff?” We reply, “when you’re not here.”
2. Fit in Fitness
Right. We’re in the studio – we ain’t coming out. We resolve to spend more time in the studio
instead of fooling ourselves that we’re going to the gym. We’re pretty certain
we can do this.
3. Tame the Bulge
60 percent of adult Americans are considered overweight or
obese. Don’t worry, in about 60 days you and the rest of us will forget all
about this, and we can all get back to enjoying ourselves.
4. Quit Smoking
We never started, so we are
resolutely and smugly patting ourselves on the back for this and all the other
things we didn’t do, like hacking up the noisy obnoxious neighbors with a
hatchet and stuffing them in the freezer. Although, the year is just getting
started…
5. Enjoy Life More
Get out and try something new! Take up a new hobby!
We got this one covered – Trying new things IS our hobby.
Naked scuba diving – check.
Skeet shooting with heavy artillery – done it.
Striding through the jungle on the
back of an elephant with diarrhea – yep!
This is a very long list – email
us if you want to compare notes.
6. Quit Drinking
The odds
are better that you will start going to the gym more often. At least you can go
to the gym AND drink. Which means you
will feel better and be enjoying life more. As for us, we’re going to stay in
the studio and clean up the elephant poop. We’ll need a drink after that.
7. Get Out of Debt
Unless of course, it is something you really, really want or
deserve. Remember, the more useless and frivolous it is, the easier it is to
finance. Just don’t ask us for the money.
8. Learn Something New
For example, learn what your friends and family really think
about you:
a. you
are overweight
b. you
drink too much
c. when
are you going to pay back the money you borrowed.
d. you
won’t keep your new year’s resolutions
in other words, pretty much the same thing you’re thinking
about them.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
** Blog Carnival is a group binge activity of Etsymetal Team in which an international group of metal artists each resolves to write about a common topic, thus giving you, the reader, a world perspective on how the creative mind works - or doesn't.
